Tuesday, March 3, 2009

woo-wee, group three

Maybe I'm just in a foul mood.

After watching this group, I JUST DON'T CARE if any of them makes it through (with the exception of Lil.) There was an overwhelming abundance of bland and then the Crazy Train pulled into the station. It was at that point that I started to prefer the McDonald's commercial where the fake fish sings to you demanding his fillet o' fish.

Von Smith - Speaking of large mouth bass...seriously. When he opens his mouth, I am suddenly fearful that he can come through the screen and swallow me whole, along with my couch and my little dog too! I don't know why folks who unhinge their jaws to sing frighten me so, but they do. He does...okay. Possibly above average based on the past couple weeks, but I'm not sold on Von and his magic monstrous mouth.

All the comparisons to looking like Clay Aiken? Just made me sorry for Clay Aiken. I mean, he wasn't crazy before American Idol. He was just in the closet. Now, he sings musicals about comedy groups he's never heard of and styles his hair like Liza Minnelli. Also, I wonder if he was watching and hearing them say, "OH...you're SO much better looking than CLAY."

I mean, ouch.



Taylor Vaifanua - Kicks us off into the night of sucking bland that would not end. Once again, we are in the presence of a girl gripped by the delusion that she has the voice of a diva. Gah.

This girl was on "vibrate." And not in a good way. From the minute she started tapping her foot (too fast for the beat) to the way she was shaking while she sang, thru her not quite holding back her tears (of joy) and emotion during the judges' critique. There's an old saying about never letting them see you sweat. I think the AI version is "never let them see you tremble like a butterfly having a seizure."

Please take your godawful performance and those pleather tights and ease on down the road, T. (WTF were up with those?!! I mean, did someone suggest those tights?...so horribly bad. Gah.)



Alex Wagner-Trugman - The weird growling was...weird. I honest don't care . His whole performance was a bit too much like visiting the day room of a psych hospital. Little noises and physical ticks coming at you unexpectedly, putting you totally off your oatmeal. It was like watching some viral video you were forwarding about this kid in his room getting his freak on.

I know he fits the "adorable dork" archetype that the show loves, but I just want this guy to go away.



Arianna Afsar - Picks the most douchebag song you can in a singing competition, The Winner Takes it All by Abba. It's totally too big for her voice and the way she tries to make it "current" and "her own" just mangles an otherwise decent song. This puts her in the lead for official "hot vocal mess" of the night.

And while much was made of her "cute" factor...I don't think Disney's going to be knocking down any of her doors.



Ju'Not Joyner - While, I like the idea of slowing down "Hey There, Delilah" and putting an R&B touch on it, I think this was still kinda in the bland arena. I thought he had a few nice moments, but it was still a bit dry for me.

Better than most of the fellas tonight, but I'm not sure that he secured a spot. If not, I see him getting another shot on wildcard night. (To keep it real? Right now, the Top 12 is looking pretty damn white bread.)



Kristen McNamara - It's no secret that I love me some karaoke. I'll hit a karaoke half a dozen times over the course of a year. So, when I tell you that I am familiar with the species of person who "hosts" a karaoke night? You need to trust in that. There are good hosts, who keep the night rolling, have a fun attitude and (in some cases) can actually carry a tune. And then there are the Kristens of the world.

The ones who "host" so that they can 1) sing at least 5+ times throughout the night AND make sure nobody requests one of "their" songs. Kristen may be a joy and a wonder in all other avenues in her life, but I'm telling you, one look, one listen...she's a karaoke host/diva from the word go. And those are the bars you don't go back too, because it's not worth the hassle.

Don't get me wrong. K did a good job with her vocal. She's the best female thus far...although the bar, she be low. But, she lost me entirely when she lied about her hair. She said that her stylist mistakenly used purple dye right before her audition.

People. I'm here to tell you. No one mistakenly dyes their (or a client's ) hair, purple. She just did a 180 when the judges where like "WHAT'S WITH YOUR HAIR?" And she's all, like "fuck, me.

"MY HAIRDRESSER SCREWED UP, I SWEAR THIS WAS NOT A CHOICE THAT I WOULD EVER MAKE BECAUSE I WANTED TO IMPRESS YOU AND IF THAT MEANS THROWING MY HAIRDRESSER UNDER THE BUS JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOK ALL ROCK STAR, I'M WILLING TO DO THAT BECAUSE SUBJECTING MYSELF TO YOUR WHIMS AND WILL IS WHAT I'LL DO TO BE ON THIS SHOW AND NOT HANGING OUT AT [redacted bar name] WHERE I HOST KARAOKE.

For reals, people.

Nathaniel Marshall - And the psychotic emo rebel has arrived. This kid is rockin' so many "I am SO different from you!" trends, he's like a atlas of wannabe cool. The ink, the piercings....the headbands. Wow. I really am getting old. I do not get boy-girls in headbands. While I am a proud member of several Lady Courts, I will out this boy as not just gay, but Super Gay. And Super Gay in a way that makes other gays uncomfortable. Which is no small feat.

Let's call a spade a spade.
That shiny headband is just a place holder for a tiara.

While choosing a Meatloaf song (even the lamest one) gets you points, the irony that Nate would do ANYthing for love/attention escapes no one. Simon may hamfistedly point out the obvious, but it's true. I hang out with actors and comedians. I can spot an attention whore at 200 yards, but there is no need for my powers, because, you could spot Nate's need for attention from space.

The ONLY person who is thrilled with Nate is Seabreeze. Standing next to that amount of Super Gay, does tend to make Seabreeze look butch. But, then he ruins the moment by beating a dead horse by attempting to force Simon and Nate hug or something. Then he spends an eternity trying to put Nate's headband/tiara on Simon's head.




Felicia Barton - Is it me, or did the girl who replaced the girl and who's had less than zero face time just kick some ass (comparatively)? She had one or two oofie notes, and the delivery was very much Alicia Keyes lite, but her voice was pretty strong and her deliver was fair. She just knocked Kristen out of the the best-of-the-ladies-so-far-tonight velvety chair.

Although, this goes to show you exactly what kind of advantage all that additional footage can bring. While I think she did great, I'm already forgetting what she looks like and any trace of her personality that I might have glimpsed in the video intro. Good luck, lady. You'll need it.


Scott MacIntyre - Call me a bastard, but I can't stop looking at "the eye." Baby, this is why Stevie wears sunglasses. So the audience can focus on your song and your energy and the moment and not look at the giant mole or other physical defect that we Can't Not Look At. I honestly can't tell you how he sang, because I was so aware of my discomfort.

It was like watching somebody give a presentation at the office...but they have a baby arm. You can't absorb ANYthing when there is a baby arm present.

And yes, I'm completely aware that I am a bastard and an a-hole.



Kendall Beard - I heard that this blonde was another Nashville Star reject. She sounded really sharp on some on her notes. I wasn't sure if she was trying to yodel some of her notes. But she reached for a couple notes that were far from her grasp. She does have a big personality.

Her biggest mistake (out of several) was admitting to the world that her mom dresses her. While her dress was kinda kickin', you do not give your mother credit for dressing you. At a show who's core is about manufacturing "what is popular/trendy." Dude. You're mom, she's not trendy.

The only girls in the entire world who gets to say, "My mom made this!" and get away with it are Vera Wang's daughters and Beyonce.



Jorge Nunez - I'm hoping that Jorge sings something in his native language, because that would be HOT. Not that Jorge would be hot. Again, to clarify, I think Jorge has a super cutie hidden under all that...well, not hidden really. He just needs a stylist like no body's business. The hair, the eyebrows. I've heard him compared to the Wolfman and yeah, he gives off that vibe like at any moment...More Hair Will Appear.

It may be muy macho in Puerto Rico, but that boy needs some full body manscaping.

Styling aside, he really brings the heat with the Elton John. The tone of his voice, his energy, he's very charming as well. And then he cries. Call me crazy, but I think think Teen Wolf may have the Boy Spot wrapped up out of this group!


Lil Rounds - Once again, they put the powerhouse at the end of the night. So you don't forget. So you remember their number. So you call and put them through so the season isn't full of Nates and Taylors and they have some talent they can actual work with. I love how the producers are so damn transparent with their little show machinations. Dolts.

Lil commanded the song, the stage, and looked like a million bucks while doing it. She sings Mary J. Blige, which is awesome, because it gives me hope that later in the season, Lil might try another MJB song. Maybe No More Drama or Dance For Me, if I'm lucky!

What can I say?
I need to get my crunk on up in the dancery, people.


Predictions for Moving on:
Male - Jorge
Female - Lil
Magic 3rd - Von...no, Scott. I think his crazy eye will bring in the calls.

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